Your Natural Instincts

One of my passions is something called “freediving”: it’s breath-hold underwater diving. That’s right- I don’t use any scuba tanks, and just need one breath to dive deep into the ocean. I have completed dives nearly 100ft deep, and I’ve been able to hold my breath for just under 5 minutes (4:48 to be exact). Sound unnatural? You’re wrong- it’s actually natural for us to be in water. All humans were developed in utero, in a nutrient rich, mostly water based solution so we have a familiarity with water- a special bond. But each day that goes by, we distance ourselves from this instinct called the Mammalian Diving reflex. Again- this is instinct, even though you now may panic in water, once you were comfortable in water.

So- what’s my point? I’m telling you to get in touch with your natural instincts- many of which are distant echoes that need to be summoned. All children are naturally curious, perceptive, and have a strong desire to connect to others in conversation, and through physical contact. But as most children develop, their parents start to set boundaries, telling them “no” more and more frequently. “Don’t talk to strangers” or “Don’t bother those people,” or “Don’t speak unless spoken to”. Look at how the bad patterns have made many of us feel awkward when approaching a stranger, or even anxious when approaching the opposite sex.

It’s our upbringing, our parents, and our school system that has stifled our natural abilities to connect with other people, and to “color within the lines”, which also stunts our creative development.

Despite all the bad patterns, we can unlearn all the wrongs. Remember, you have instincts that have been stifled- you just have to get in touch with them. So, let’s get you to the point where conversation with strangers is easy, where connecting is natural again, and where physical contact as a form of communication is ok. Try the following exercises:
Have casual conversations with at least 7 strangers every day, 5 of which must be the opposite sex. Use the surroundings to give you ideas: no talking about the weather, their job or other boring overused questions.
When you find yourself in a good conversation, ask them an emotionally charged question- start with “How would you feel”, or “What are your feelings about”. You’ll be surprised by how willing people are to share their feelings.
When you’re on a first date, and you feel a mutual attraction- make some mild physical contact- start with their hands, see if they respond. Arms are next, and leg touching is a huge sign of attraction- be aware of their responses. Keeping yourself distant might make you good ‘friend’ material- but men & women seek sexual attraction.

It took me months to not panic in an open ocean environment, and dive by only taking one breath. I’m not asking you to try freediving, which does have natural roots. I’m asking you to find your natural communication abilities- this is much easier, right? Talk to everyone you can as often as you can- all your bad habits, and bad patterns can be broken in due time, it just takes practice. Ultimately, you’ll only make more friends and get rid of that “approach anxiety”!

Patrick Coleman, President and Head Dating Coach of www.PhillyDatingCoach.com is passionate about coaching singles looking to improve their communication and dating skills to find true love. Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his coaching programs in the Philadelphia and surrounding areas.